My husband and I received an email from our youngest child on a fall Friday afternoon. We didn’t communicate by email unless we were peppering her with questions about missing assignments. Hence the pit already in my stomach as I read, “I’m transgender. I don’t need to transition right now, but I do need to see a therapist as soon as possible” and “I’m sorry I had to tell you this in an email, but I love you very much.”
Maybe the news came to you in an email, a text, a handwritten note, an awkward, nervous conversation or an emphatic pronouncement. We’ve all heard about the young children who express from an early age that they are, contrary to what we as parents have understood thus far, a boy or a girl. Less often do we hear the stories of teens and young adults coming to their families with this news. Kids who really hadn’t given any signal that they might be grappling with their gender identity. I know I was overwhelmed - even as a person who had been an ally and advocate for the LGBTQ community for years.
By the time our child got home from school that day, I had already contacted my therapist and another therapist friend who happened to have expertise working with trans kids and their families. We both had appointments the following week. I had book recommendations, trans friends to reach out to, and we had a community with an abundance of resources - but I was still flooded with feelings I did not expect. After telling my child I loved her first and foremost, I checked in to make sure she was ok, not at risk of self harm, and then held her, letting her weight sink into me.
Thus began the process of our child figuring out how to live on the outside as the person she knew she was on the inside. We were an informed, openminded family - or so we thought. While our daughter had our family’s love and support from the get go, we had to relearn many of the basic assumptions and biases about gender we didn’t even know we’d lived with for so long. Our child had access to support through therapy; a safe, social gathering space with other trans kids; and sound, age-appropriate medical advice, but we needed support, too!
As with many things, my husband and I received the news differently. It was not easy to find therapists for us that had a good understanding of what it meant to be trans, something critical for us to be able to clarify our feelings and support our child. Parents and family need spaces to ask questions about gender identity, pronouns, social and medical transition and process any overwhelm or fear you may be feeling separate and apart from your child- so you can be present for and with them to live joyfully as their true selves.
Transitioning has always been a profound and largely misunderstood process - but can be trickier - even treacherous - in today’s world. The trans community is under constant political assault in state legislature in Texas, and across the country. It is critical to note that while the recent implementation of SB 14 in Texas prohibits gender affirming medical care, it does not prohibit gender-affirming mental health care and treatment. Public funding, including Medicaid, CHIP, and Medical Assistance Program can still cover gender-affirming mental health care costs, nor does it penalize social workers who help transgender children and their families access gender-affirming medical care out-of-state.*
Every parent has a list of hopes and dreams for their child. Being trans might not have been on that list, but trans people who are loved and accepted by their families live joyful, productive lives. If you are on this journey with your child and find yourself needing support from an affirming therapist, please email me at anna@autumncounseling. I welcome you to call today.
*Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Expression (SOGIE)- Affirming Social Work:BEST PRACTICE – ETHICAL PRACTICE September 2023