By Brittany Burch, LCSW-S , LCDC, CGP - Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist

The decision to start couples therapy is a big one, and it brings up questions like:

· “Does this mean my relationship is doomed?” or

· “Are my partner and the therapist going to gang up on me?” and

· “Am I just going to pay someone to watch us fight? I can do that at home, free of charge!”

True, you can! But it’s not really free, it’s costing you and your partner your emotional and mental wellbeing, and possibly your relationship!

When I get started with a new couple I typically tell them that my goal is to work myself out of a job – the job of being your relationship therapist. I want you out of my office and back into your life feeling revitalized, motivated, with identifiable action items and a stronger sense of hope. But before that can happen, we have work to do.

Getting started with a couples therapist is an important decision to make, and I want to share some key pointers to help in your decision-making process. These ideas are a blend of my own, drawn from my work with countless couples, my training as a certified Emotionally Focused Therapy couples therapist, and the writings of Ellyn Bader, PhD, co-founder of the Couples Institute in California.

Some things to reflect on before your first session:

· Almost every couple coming into therapy mentions “communication problems.” If this applies to you, what does this mean for you, specifically?

· If asked, could you name what your partner’s primary complaint/s are about you? Surely you know your frustrations with them, but can you summarize their frustrations?

· Of course your partner needs to make some changes, but because you’re human, I’m guessing you do too. Can you summarize those as well?

Reflecting on these questions before arriving for your first session can help us get started right away. After all, time, money and your relationship are precious, so let’s get started!

Some thoughts about my approach to working with couples:

· I see my primary role is to create an environment that supports you saying what you need to say in a way your partner can hear, and to help you really hear what your partner has been trying to tell you.

· I help you track the cycle of conflict that erupts when the two of you aren’t understanding each other and communication is breaking down.

· I work with each of you to create new approaches to old problems and see if you can find a new way to “dance” and stop stepping on each other’s toes.

Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good coach, my job is to help you reach them. I have many tools to help you become a more effective partner – they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be.

Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy

The overarching goal of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones. Can you identify 2-3 goals you would like to address in therapy?

I often ask. my couples, “If in 3-6 months, your relationship was better (note: not perfect, but definitely better), how would you know? What would be different?”

The Big Picture

Most couples come in to therapy hoping to communicate how much their partner needs to change. Here’s the bad news: the key tasks of couples therapy are increasing your clarity about:

· The kind of life you want to build together

· The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create

· Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be

· The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks

The Challenge:

Going through the challenges of life can be really hard. Managing life and maintaining a relationship – much less a healthy, thriving relationship – seems all but impossible to many couples. And doing more of what you’re already doing seems to just be making it worse. How do you shift from repeating the old patterns to finding new ways to communicate, understand each other, and really connect again?

I sometimes describe relationships like a rock tumbler. What goes in might be a hidden gem hiding within a hard, crusty surface, and relationships rub against our protective coating. Healthy relationships bring out a better version of ourselves – hopefully a shinier, brighter, gorgeous stone. But the polishing hurts, pushes our buttons and brings out the worst in us. Notice that key word? Healthy. I didn’t say EASY. Our work together isn’t easy, your relationship won’t become easy. But it can become healthier.

If you’re ready to take the next step, take a look at the Contact Us page on this website. We’ll set up a free 15-minute consultation call to hear more about what you want to address in our sessions. Talk to you soon!