Decolonizing Relationships: Reclaiming Non-Monogamy Beyond Western Norms

by Corey Stork, LMSW

Most of us were raised inside a relationship blueprint we did not choose.

A blueprint shaped by colonialism, capitalism, Christianity, patriarchy, and property based thinking. One that frames love as scarce, partnership as ownership, and commitment as exclusivity. One that treats monogamy not as a preference, but as a moral mandate.

Ethical non-monogamy can be a personal choice. And for some it can also be something deeper. A cultural refusal. A decolonizing act. A reimagining of love beyond systems that were never designed to serve our full humanity.

Monogamy as a Social Construction, Not a Universal Truth

Western culture often presents monogamy as natural, inevitable, and morally superior. But across history and cultures, relationship structures have been far more diverse. Many Indigenous, African, Asian, and pre-colonial societies practiced relational models that centered communal caregiving, shared parenting, multiple romantic or sexual partnerships, and fluid kinship systems. Colonial forces frequently disrupted or criminalized these models, replacing them with rigid norms tied to inheritance, property, and social control.

What we now call “traditional” relationships are often less ancient than we assume. They are products of specific political, religious, and economic agendas. Decolonizing relationships means questioning who decided what love should look like and whose interests those decisions served.

Ownership Culture and the Myth of Romantic Possession

Colonial relationship norms frame partners as possessions. We hear it in everyday language:

● You are mine

● I am taken

● You belong to me

This model treats love like a contract and people like property. It encourages jealousy as proof of devotion and control as evidence of commitment. Non-monogamy challenges this narrative by centering autonomy over ownership. It asks a different question. Not “How do I keep you?” but “How do we choose each other freely, again and again?” Decolonizing love means shifting from possession to partnership, from control to consent, from fear to trust.

Community, Kinship, and Love Beyond the Couple

Colonial frameworks elevate the romantic couple as the primary unit of care, often isolating partners from broader community. This structure can leave people overburdened, lonely, and emotionally dependent on a single relationship. Many non-Western and queer communities have long emphasized collective care. Chosen family. Shared emotional labor. Polycules. Mutual aid networks. Friendships that carry as much weight as romance.

Ethical non-monogamy can reopen space for love that is not hierarchical or couple-centric. Love that values friends, metamours, co-parents, and community members as meaningful relational anchors. Decolonizing relationships is not just about adding partners. It is about expanding who counts.

Challenging Scarcity, Competition, and Emotional Hoarding

Colonial and capitalist systems teach us to fear scarcity. Scarcity of money. Scarcity of safety. Scarcity of love. This mindset breeds comparison, rivalry, and insecurity. It trains us to believe that if our partner loves someone else, we must be losing something. Decolonizing relationships involves unlearning the idea that love is a limited resource. It invites us to explore abundance, compersion, and emotional differentiation without forcing ourselves into toxic positivity. You do not need to erase jealousy to be liberated. You do need space to examine whether your jealousy comes from personal wounds or inherited cultural scripts.

Power, Privilege, and Responsibility in ENM

Decolonizing non-monogamy is not about romanticizing it. ENM can reproduce harm if it ignores power dynamics around race, gender, class, disability, or immigration status. Who has more freedom to date openly? Who bears the social risk? Whose relationships are stigmatized or erased? Who gets labeled progressive while others are judged as unstable or irresponsible? Liberatory relationship work requires accountability. It means naming power imbalances, addressing harm when it occurs, and resisting the urge to frame ENM as automatically more evolved or enlightened. Decolonization is not aesthetic. It is ethical.

Reclaiming Relationship Choice as Self-Determination

At its heart, decolonizing relationships means restoring agency. It means recognizing that no single model of love is inherently superior. Monogamy can be chosen freely. So can polyamory. So can relationship anarchy. So can fluid, undefined connections. Liberation is not about forcing everyone into non-monogamy. It is about dismantling systems that punish people for choosing differently. Your relationship structure should be something you opt into, not something you inherit unquestioned.

Love as Liberation Practice

Decolonizing relationships asks us to treat love as a site of political and emotional transformation. It challenges us to build connections rooted in consent, mutual respect, community care, and autonomy. It invites us to imagine love that is not about control.

Not about scarcity.

Not about ownership.

But about expansion.

We deserve relationships that reflect our values, not colonial scripts.

And we deserve the freedom to build love in ways that feel honest, ethical, and liberating.

Want to talk about reclaiming non-monogamy? Contact me at corey@autumncounseling.com - I'd love to help!